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2003 |
B A C K_ to current Daily Planet
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D A I L Y _ P L A N E T
A R C H I V E
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(observations / suggestions / suppositions
made on a not-so-daily basis and to be taken
with a grain of salt or whatever might be
worth even less)
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12.30.03
Deep-fried turkey is just not worth it. |
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12.18.03
who's Hefner? who cares?
anyway, sometimes a cover
is better than the original.
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12.16.03
"Las Vegas" is the "Love Boat"of the aughts, which leads to the sad realization that James Caan is the Captain Steubing of the aughts.
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12.11.03
Does the 3-/5-/10-Second Rule apply to bitten-in-half gooey chocolate-covered caramel candy, from which cat hairs, lint, or other undiscernable parts-which-make-up-the-whole-of-a-"dust mouse" must be plucked?
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12.9.03
found by huddo
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12.3.03
Really really mean nuns just have the bad habit
of not getting laid.
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11.25.03
Attn: Jehovah's Witnesses
We might be open to conversion, but only if you send over Prince and that guy from Sly and the Family Stone. If we see them knocking on our door, we're in.
Jumpin Jehovah-phat!
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11.21.03
For all you venison lovers: buy a couple extra freezer cases and load up along I-40 between Wilmington and Winston-Salem.
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11.19.03
The Few.
The Proud.
The Nice People Who Came to See Us Play (aka the Marines of the miniCooPer Tour).
We salute you.
Semper Lo- and Hi-Fi. Etc, etc.
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10.22.03
Some morphological mnemonics
for those who may have trouble distinguishing the various types of professional organized sports:
football --> fat-ass
baseball --> bone-poppingly buff
soccer --> sexxy
futbol --> fuckable (therefore, not the fat-ass variety, but the sexxy variety)
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10.11.03
"Acid Reflux Disease," My Ass! It just means you ate too damn much before bedtime.
How about coming up with a little purple pill for CANCER instead?
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10.04.03
If I have to hear the words "Governor Schwarzenegger," I will hire the true Terminator, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, to come in and assist deserving Californians off the planet.
Hasta la vista. IN HELL! |
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09.15.03
Our new band motto, and with any luck, our next touring vehicle
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09.10.03
(inspired by observations made at recently visited highway rest areas and at most every public restroom -- this is why I don't like to leave the house)
PSAs that need to run on all
American media 24/7:
"SOAP - It does a body
(everybody) good!"
"SOAP - It's what's for breakfast!
and for preventing the spread of
disease-causing germs!"
"SOAP - The Other White Meat.
Use It On Yours!"
"SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING:
Wash your goddamn hands!"
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08.26.03
Cruise control is useless on I-95 through Connecticut. |
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08.20.03
Attn: OHIO
Please get your shit together,
as this is not intended to be the
"Cigarbox Planetarium - Unplugged"
tour. Thank you. |
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08.13.03
Prince or Princess Charming
is not someone who will kill
for you, just someone
who will kill bugs for you.
Especially the brown ones with
too many legs that appear
out of nowhere on the ceiling
and move horrifyingly fast. |
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08.12.03
Balut on "Fear Factor" |
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07.26.03
Wheel of Torture:
When the puzzle says "_ U T O M O B I L E"
and someone wants to buy a vowel.
How about I buy a trowel
and use it to dig a shallow grave
after I run you over with my
AUTOMOBILE?!?!?
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06.19.03
Today's Restorer of
Faith in Humanity:
Christopher with Puppets
from 30 Seconds to Fame.
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05.15.03
  
Presumably it's pronounced choco-LAH'-mee (vs. choco-LAME).
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05.06.03
Kirk: hot
Spock: hot
Checkov: hot
Scotty: warm
Uhura: hottt
Sulu: hot
McCoy: so not.
"Bones" = least boneworthy |
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04.29.03
Heads Too Big for Body:
Nancy Reagan
Vanna White
Debbie Harry
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04.25.03
Carob is in no way
a substitute for chocolate.
DO NOT BE MISLED.
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04.15.03
You're either in Hell or Limbo,
if you're too smart
for "Wheel of Fortune" and
too dumb for "Jeopardy."
Merv Griffin, Merv Griffin,
why hast Thou forsaken me? |
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04.11.03
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04.10.03
Third entry in the list of
"Hotties Throughout the Ages":
TERENCE STAMP
Fourth entry in the list of
"Hotties Throughout the Ages":
Olivia Hussey as The Virgin Mary
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03.29.03
The only acceptable Dubya for president should be Pee "W" Herman.
Because masturbation"beats" war any day.
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03.18.03
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03.10.03
The below-mentioned Ray Conniff
collection is starting to grow on me,
esp. Gordon Lightfoot's
"If You Could Read My Mind."
KILL ME NOW.
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03.06.03
A recently purchased TIME/LIFE
collection of Ray Conniff
"Instrumental Favorites" (emphasis added)
features a fuck of a lot of cheesey
vocal arrangements. Not cheesey-good,
cheesey-BAD. Cheesey-VERYBAD.
Of course, Ray Conniff...
what was I thinking.
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02.23.03
"Freedom Fries" are the
'taters made by haters,
for warmongering gourmands.
Vive le french fry.
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02.14.03
3rd grade Valentine's Days are
the best. Everyone tapes a "mailbox"
to the front of his/her desk,
people make their deliveries,
and everyone gets a card,
not to mention cupcakes and punch.
UNLIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
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02.11.03
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02.09.03
Why must all keyboard amps
be so fugly?
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02.04.03
Jackson ended the 90-minute portrait
with a poignant pledge: "If there were no children
on this earth, if someone announced
all kids were dead, I would jump
off the balcony immediately."
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
All kids are dead!
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01.26.03
An almost acceptable excuse:
"I thought I was voting for
KATE Bush."
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01.20.03
Mysteries of Life:
Who buys Celine Dion records?
Who goes to see movies like "Kangaroo Jack?"
How did our president become president?
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01.15.03
OK, I am not talking about
thousands and thousands of fans
singing "WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU"
when prompted by Freddie Mercury,
but about the lone fan who sings along
in an intimate & quiet small club setting,
where I have paid to hear the lone
performer (BARRY ANDREWS) sing.
PLEASE. SHUT. UP.
GOD-DIDDLY-DAMN IT!
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12.31.02
UNISEX HAIRCUTS:
1... 2... 3...
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12.26.02
The things you find
when you clean out your purse...
> How did this even get in there? < |
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H O M E
CigPlanet@aol.com
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